Striking
up a conversation with someone I do not know is not something that I look
forward to by any means. If I genuinely have something to ask them about, I
feel slightly more comfortable. For example, I just returned from a trip to
Boston. I am not a big city girl and found myself, standing with my husband, in
places like the subway completely lost and in need of help. In every occasion,
I approached people to ask if they were local. In a situation like that, I did
not feel apprehensive about talking to these people. Maybe it was because I
knew that once I had my information, the conversation would be over. I would no
longer have to try to think of something else to say. However, if I am in a
social situation like a party or large conference, I do not feel comfortable
beginning or having conversations with strangers.
The
reasons for this, I think, are many. For instance, when I was younger, we
attended private school and were always expected to behave, which included
being quiet in church and the classroom. My mother has a similar personality to
mine. She is reserved and keeps to herself most of the time. We spent a lot of
time with her at my parents’ business where we were supposed to stay away from
the customers and hang out in the back room. So I think that mindset translated
into adolescence and adulthood. My father’s personality is completely opposite.
He seems to be able to easily strike up conversations with others. My sister is
more like my dad in that regard.
If
I am not in a social situation, I do not have a problem asserting myself. If I am in the classroom teaching or
presenting, as I was at the conference I just attended, I am able to take
command of the conversation and communicate effectively with those around me.
In
the Messages text, there are several suggestions for striking up conversations
with others. There are both verbal and non-verbal strategies that one can
employ in order to alleviate anxiety in social situations and make it easier to
talk with strangers. Leaning forward, making eye contact, smiling, and
uncrossing your arms and legs are all non-verbal strategies that suggest you
are open to conversation with others. These techniques make one appear friendly
and approachable instead of closed off. They also suggest that touching the
person you are speaking with is helpful. I am not sure that this technique
would be well received by all, though. Some people do not like to be touched by
those they do not know and touching them may actually cause them to shut down.
Verbal
suggestions for beginning a conversation include using icebreakers and humor,
asking informational questions, and active listening. Discussing a current
event or asking for information, like directions, will allow you to begin a
conversation with someone. Asking the purpose of someone’s attendance at a
particular event or where he/she is from will also lead to a more meaningful
conversation. There are two different types of questions the author suggests.
They are ritual questions, which seek an individual’s name, job, origin, etc,
and informational questions, which are specific and result in answers about
ones’ beliefs, feelings, etc… Finally, actively listening to the other person
encourages conversation. When people see that you are genuinely interested in
what they have to say, the conversation is more likely to progress and evolve.
According to the authors, conversation is a combination of probing questions to
others coupled with self-disclosure on the part of both.
I
am not sure that I will ever consider myself to be a chatty Kathy, nor will I
ever be able to work a room with ease; however, the strategies suggested by the
book give me tips to use the next time I find myself in a room full of
strangers and no cell phone!
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